This has to be a dream....

I'm still hoping and praying that Aaron and I breaking up is all just one HORRIBLE nightmare.

It's been one week now... and I'm almost ready to give up on waiting for him. I'm terrified that he won't come around. I'm terrified that he and I will never be together again. I'm such a mess without him - I have such a hard time doing normal everyday activities. I'm just... not human without him.

Without him, my million dollar family is ruined :(

I just want him back. No one can understand how badly I want him back and why. I'm not complete without him. Our family was SO close to being complete. A dad, mom, son and daughter. Now, my family is missing 25% of it's heart.

Our daughter has his nose. I realized today when I had my ultrasound. That's when I also realized I can't wait around forever for him. I need him to be ready for a family and willing to be involved now, or never. I can't just wait around for him to be ready. Even if he's not *ready*, why can't we be together and grow together? I could help him =(

I just wish this was all a horrible dream...

Future Reminders!

http://punkrawkmom44.proboards58.com/index.cgi

Wyatt would like to introduce...

His baby sister... Selena Isabelle

Dear Aaron

You came first.
We are now engaged, we have a son, and our second child is on the way. But, before them, you came first.
Even though we started dating when Wyatt was already here, you still came first.
I knew you were the guy for me before Wyatt ever came along, it's seeing you and him together that makes it more obvious to me.
You came first, you come first, and you will always be first. You are the most impostant part of the little family we have started. How can there be a family without a mommy and a daddy?
You come first. Remember that...
You come first.

TOMORROW

Xavier Damien or Selena Isabelle TOMORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROW!!!

New Baby...

I don't even think I want this baby.

I do not feel connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt when I was in early pregnancy with him. I don't feel a bond, a connection, or even love, between myself and Seahorse.

I just... simply... don't want this baby at this point and time. And we tried for this baby, Wyatt was far from planned.

Why do I feel like this? Will this pass?

Big News....

Seahorse is due on June 2nd, 2009. I want all the sticky dust I can get... I don't even want blue dust, just sticky for now! Aaron is over-the-moon excited, I'm scared. STICKY DUST!!!

I already have a fear that I won't love Seahorse as much as I love Wyatt... and Aaron won't love Wyatt as much as he loves Seahorse =(

5 Months...

Within 5 short months, I have to plan an entire wedding. Most people keep their engagment going for almost 2 years because that's how long it takes to plan everything. But me, I'm bringing on the stress load to plan this within 5 months. With Charlotte's and hopefully Heather's help, of course. I already have a file for everything on my laptop, and a hard copy. I might make 2 hardcopies and keep one at Aaron's house. Charlotte has a file on her laptop and hopefully Heather will keep a copy on her laptop. Then, it would be impossible for 1 year old fingers to delete them all.

I want to work on the guest lists a little bit tonight, and work on general information too. I found my dress, I'm completly inlove with it, it so works. But, who knows if I'll find one I like better within the next 5 months. I know our colour scheme, it will be white and baby blue. I figure I shouldn't get married in plain white, and blue to represent the fact that I have a son.

I am seriously fricken excited to start planning this. I wish I could get a good picture and load it up onto the computer, but the diamonds always make a glair on the picture. It is already starting to stress me out, just knowing I only have 5 months to plan everything, and I HAVE to plan it, because we can't go into a half-planned wedding. Aaron want to get married at his Church, which I'm fine with. I know how important it is to him, so I will respect that. I'm not settling, I want to make him happy by getting married in a place that's very important to him. I hope he is happy with the wedding, since I'm the one planning it. With Heather and Charlotte's help.

EVERYONE READ!!!

This is just to let everyone know that....




HEATHER DAWN NAVARRO/SANDERS/SCHULZ (whatever) TALKS TO A CANADIAN!!!

I Hate This...

I hate it when he doesn't call. It hurts.
One simple phone call can completly make my night...
When he doesn't make one simple phone call... It ruins my night...

I hate it when he doesn't call... Especially when I hardly talk to him at all that day...

One Rule of Life...

When there's something you really want, fight for it. Don't give up - no matter how hopeless it seems, and when you've lost all hope, ask yourself if you're going to wish you gave it just one more shot. The best things in life don't come free. When it's real love, it's not perfect.

Nose Piercing

I finally got my nose pierced. I didn't hurt... hardly at all. It pinched a little, but that's it. And, I LOVE it!

It's a cute little pink diamond, and I couldn't be more happy with it. I can't wait until it's healed all nice and pretty. I'm also excited about the pen finally washing off. It looks horrible, with the stud, and the blue/purple pen underneath... Oh well, that will be washed off soon!

Is there a hole big enough for me?

I think it's time for me to crawl into a hole and never come out.
I have been tripping out on everyone lately, if they deserved it or not. The only 2 people I've been able to keep my cool with has been Wyatt and Aaron. Actually, I even yelled at Aaron a little bit because he text this one girl that he "still likes her"... but I decided to yell before I read the other part of the message that said "I do still remember you too, and yes, I do still like you as a friend"... OOPS! I tripped out on Jeremy because he asked me to tell Aaron something... I remember using a lot of swear words and "do I look like a mail lady who delivers messages?!" Then, I called him an ass, and *jeeze*... He used to be like my little brother =(
So, now... I'm trying to figure out if I've had it with those people... or if I've just had it in general. Between hardly ever seeing my boyfriend, school starting soon, TTC, trying to move, another fucking court date with Lloyd, going behind my mom's back to get piercings and tattoos.... I'm thinking I've just had it in general... but who knows.
I totally have this new love of hiding out in my basement. I know on Wednesday I'm going out with Jenn to the bank, and to WalMart, and to Hybrids. If Jenn doesn't end up coming, I won't end up going to Hybrids... I'll hit that up on Saturday - after tattoo, before grocery shopping.
The Olympics are... meh. The gymnastics were kind of a let down. The swimming I'm really only watching for Michael Phelps. And diving... I'm currently waiting for... MY GOD IT'S SUCH A LONG WAIT!!! I wanna see my Alex =( Alexandre Despatie and his partner... whoever he is (LOL) better get a medal... gold perferable... but they better atleast medal!!
Ugg... I need to figure out what's wrong with me... Or, I need to get out and clear my head. I want to get out soooooo badly... soooooooooooooooooooooooooo badly! I can not live here anymore. It is so hard to raise my son in a house that *I'm* still getting raised in... *sigh*

Ink!

So, it's true. It's one thing I thought wasn't actually true, and people just wanted to seem all big and bad. But, tattoos are fun to get. And addictive. I only have my first one, and already have my appoitment set up to get my foot piece started. Aaron and I went and got tattoos on the 2nd. We both got "Wyatt" on our inner left wrist.
Mine is the top one, and Aaron's is the bottom one. I love them. I have the "mommy" font and he has the "daddy" font. I still can't believe I got a freaking tattoo. My foot piece is being started on August 23rd. I'm super nervous, it's gunna freaking hurt. The guy said he was proud of me though. I got my verrrrry first tattoo on the inner wrist, which is pretty "ballsie" he said, lmao!

Wyatt & Daddy

http://s180.photobucket.com/albums/x30/ash-leyy_xo/Videos/?action=view&current=WyattDaddy.flv

Making this video made me realize just how much Aaron completes mine and Wyatt's life. He is Wyatt's daddy. He completes our family. Those 2 months without him were hell. I didn't mean the things I said, and I regret ever saying them. But, I'm happy again. I never want to lose this happiness.

Rules of Life...

Pick friends or pick love.
Because, you can't have both.

October 5th, 2007

Was the first day of the rest of my life.
I think Heather said it best when she quoted...
"I thought that God had completed blessing me when he gave me my perfect little boy, but it was soon obvious that real fulfillment ended with you"
Because now, I have my baby boy, and his daddy.

Yes, he officially asked me tonight. On the phone, but still, it was asked.

Good luck to me. Now, just to pray *it* doesn't happen again.

xoxo.

I love Heather. Have I mentioned that lately?
I fucking love my Heather =)


xoxo. ashleyy


*wink*

New Start

...to an old life.

Chris and I broke up, and Aaron and I are back together. Not "offocially" yet, but we are. I never got over him, it hurt every single day. I didn't dare tell people how I felt, because, I couldn't. But I couldn't stand not to be his. I thought Chris would help me get over him, but it didn't work. So, now, we're trying it again. I pray to God he doesn't hurt me again.

We hung out on Saturday night. One massive sing that this was the right thing to do was when he quoted our song.
"I'm sorry" (him)
"It's too late" (me)
"I know, it's too late to apologize" (him)

Apologize (One Republic) was our song. He quoted it, without even noticing it.


It's believed that either your first love, or your third love is *the one*. I was his first love, and he was my third love. I went swimming at his house, 2 times now. Wyatt remembered his parents, and he still calls Aaron "daddy"... I believe I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. He's the one I see in my future. I just wish we wouldn't of lost these past 2 months. They killed. More and more each and every day.

Bonjourno =)

Long time no entry... catch up time?

Alberta fell through, oh well!

Chris asked me out... officially. 06.18.08
But I'm terrified. He used Jenn and Lisa for a POA, and I'm scared that's he's just using me for a POA. I really hope I'm not. He has this odd quality that allows girls to fall for him by simply just by looking at them.

He said something to me the other day that kind of reassured me, but, it's also along the same lines as what Aaron said to me... *sigh* I don't know anymore. I want to hope he's telling the truth and is serious about us, but who knows.

When I ask him how he feels about me,
"There's too many words to describe it - I'm happy now, because I don't have to try and try, I don't have to worry about you - I can relate to you easier because you always know what it's like, and what I'm going through - we go through a lot of the same things. Do you really think I would WANT Wyatt to call me daddy if I was just going to walk out in 3 months? Think again! I'm in this for the long haul, not the fucking short haul - you'll be getting rid of me, I will not be getting rid of you"

But again, who knows.

Latly, I've been noticing how I'm second to Stephen. I hate that! I was always second to someone else from all my other boyfriends. I don't mind being second to Taylor, but when I'm second to Taylor, Kara and Stephen... it makes me a littl depressed *cries*

Chris had to go to the hospital tonight for his knee. I was there, but I didn't want to be (hospitals freak me out), but I couldn't leave. I just... couldn't. I couldn't leave him there. I wanted to be with him. On the walk home, he held my hand, and kissed me... But didn't act much like a boyfriend, ya know? It kinda hurts. But, atleast he'll b near me in public. Not like the others.

I'm trying to convince him to let me and Wyatt sleep over there one night. We could put Wyatt to bed, then we could go skinny dipping (LOL), but he wants Stephen and Monica to be there (UGGG!) Why can't it EVER be just the 2 of us?!

I love the song Heartbreaker, and hav recently noticed how much it applies to Chris and I.

I keep thinking 'bout that little sparkle in your eye
Is it a light from the Angels, or your Devil deep inside?
What About the way you say you love me all the time?
Are you lifting me up to Heaven just to drop me down a line?

There's a ring around my finger
But will you change your mind?
And you tell me that I'm beautiful
But that could be a lie!

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride.
What if I'm falling for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie?
I won't be leaving here alive.
I won't be leaving here alive.

Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife
I'm always watching for someone to show their darker side.
So maybe I'll sit back and just enjoy all this for now
Watch it all play out, see if you'll really stick around

There's always this one question that keeps me up at night...
Are you my greatest love or dissapointment in my life?

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride.
What if I'm falling for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie?
I won't be leaving here alive.
I might as well lay down and die.

I'm holding on with both hands and both feet.
Promis that you won't pull the rug out from under me.

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride.
I pray to God you're not a heartbreaker.
This time around I won't survive.
'Cause if I'm falling for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leaving here alive.
I might as well lay down and die.
I won't be leaving here alive.

I'm also starting to completly LOVE the song No Air, and, of course, I think of Chris every time I listen to it. Uggg.... Supid Chris with his stupid ability to make girls fall head-over-heals for him.