New Baby...

I don't even think I want this baby.

I do not feel connected with this baby like I did with Wyatt when I was in early pregnancy with him. I don't feel a bond, a connection, or even love, between myself and Seahorse.

I just... simply... don't want this baby at this point and time. And we tried for this baby, Wyatt was far from planned.

Why do I feel like this? Will this pass?

Big News....

Seahorse is due on June 2nd, 2009. I want all the sticky dust I can get... I don't even want blue dust, just sticky for now! Aaron is over-the-moon excited, I'm scared. STICKY DUST!!!

I already have a fear that I won't love Seahorse as much as I love Wyatt... and Aaron won't love Wyatt as much as he loves Seahorse =(

5 Months...

Within 5 short months, I have to plan an entire wedding. Most people keep their engagment going for almost 2 years because that's how long it takes to plan everything. But me, I'm bringing on the stress load to plan this within 5 months. With Charlotte's and hopefully Heather's help, of course. I already have a file for everything on my laptop, and a hard copy. I might make 2 hardcopies and keep one at Aaron's house. Charlotte has a file on her laptop and hopefully Heather will keep a copy on her laptop. Then, it would be impossible for 1 year old fingers to delete them all.

I want to work on the guest lists a little bit tonight, and work on general information too. I found my dress, I'm completly inlove with it, it so works. But, who knows if I'll find one I like better within the next 5 months. I know our colour scheme, it will be white and baby blue. I figure I shouldn't get married in plain white, and blue to represent the fact that I have a son.

I am seriously fricken excited to start planning this. I wish I could get a good picture and load it up onto the computer, but the diamonds always make a glair on the picture. It is already starting to stress me out, just knowing I only have 5 months to plan everything, and I HAVE to plan it, because we can't go into a half-planned wedding. Aaron want to get married at his Church, which I'm fine with. I know how important it is to him, so I will respect that. I'm not settling, I want to make him happy by getting married in a place that's very important to him. I hope he is happy with the wedding, since I'm the one planning it. With Heather and Charlotte's help.

EVERYONE READ!!!

This is just to let everyone know that....




HEATHER DAWN NAVARRO/SANDERS/SCHULZ (whatever) TALKS TO A CANADIAN!!!

I Hate This...

I hate it when he doesn't call. It hurts.
One simple phone call can completly make my night...
When he doesn't make one simple phone call... It ruins my night...

I hate it when he doesn't call... Especially when I hardly talk to him at all that day...

One Rule of Life...

When there's something you really want, fight for it. Don't give up - no matter how hopeless it seems, and when you've lost all hope, ask yourself if you're going to wish you gave it just one more shot. The best things in life don't come free. When it's real love, it's not perfect.

Nose Piercing

I finally got my nose pierced. I didn't hurt... hardly at all. It pinched a little, but that's it. And, I LOVE it!

It's a cute little pink diamond, and I couldn't be more happy with it. I can't wait until it's healed all nice and pretty. I'm also excited about the pen finally washing off. It looks horrible, with the stud, and the blue/purple pen underneath... Oh well, that will be washed off soon!

Is there a hole big enough for me?

I think it's time for me to crawl into a hole and never come out.
I have been tripping out on everyone lately, if they deserved it or not. The only 2 people I've been able to keep my cool with has been Wyatt and Aaron. Actually, I even yelled at Aaron a little bit because he text this one girl that he "still likes her"... but I decided to yell before I read the other part of the message that said "I do still remember you too, and yes, I do still like you as a friend"... OOPS! I tripped out on Jeremy because he asked me to tell Aaron something... I remember using a lot of swear words and "do I look like a mail lady who delivers messages?!" Then, I called him an ass, and *jeeze*... He used to be like my little brother =(
So, now... I'm trying to figure out if I've had it with those people... or if I've just had it in general. Between hardly ever seeing my boyfriend, school starting soon, TTC, trying to move, another fucking court date with Lloyd, going behind my mom's back to get piercings and tattoos.... I'm thinking I've just had it in general... but who knows.
I totally have this new love of hiding out in my basement. I know on Wednesday I'm going out with Jenn to the bank, and to WalMart, and to Hybrids. If Jenn doesn't end up coming, I won't end up going to Hybrids... I'll hit that up on Saturday - after tattoo, before grocery shopping.
The Olympics are... meh. The gymnastics were kind of a let down. The swimming I'm really only watching for Michael Phelps. And diving... I'm currently waiting for... MY GOD IT'S SUCH A LONG WAIT!!! I wanna see my Alex =( Alexandre Despatie and his partner... whoever he is (LOL) better get a medal... gold perferable... but they better atleast medal!!
Ugg... I need to figure out what's wrong with me... Or, I need to get out and clear my head. I want to get out soooooo badly... soooooooooooooooooooooooooo badly! I can not live here anymore. It is so hard to raise my son in a house that *I'm* still getting raised in... *sigh*

Ink!

So, it's true. It's one thing I thought wasn't actually true, and people just wanted to seem all big and bad. But, tattoos are fun to get. And addictive. I only have my first one, and already have my appoitment set up to get my foot piece started. Aaron and I went and got tattoos on the 2nd. We both got "Wyatt" on our inner left wrist.
Mine is the top one, and Aaron's is the bottom one. I love them. I have the "mommy" font and he has the "daddy" font. I still can't believe I got a freaking tattoo. My foot piece is being started on August 23rd. I'm super nervous, it's gunna freaking hurt. The guy said he was proud of me though. I got my verrrrry first tattoo on the inner wrist, which is pretty "ballsie" he said, lmao!

Wyatt & Daddy

http://s180.photobucket.com/albums/x30/ash-leyy_xo/Videos/?action=view&current=WyattDaddy.flv

Making this video made me realize just how much Aaron completes mine and Wyatt's life. He is Wyatt's daddy. He completes our family. Those 2 months without him were hell. I didn't mean the things I said, and I regret ever saying them. But, I'm happy again. I never want to lose this happiness.

Rules of Life...

Pick friends or pick love.
Because, you can't have both.

October 5th, 2007

Was the first day of the rest of my life.
I think Heather said it best when she quoted...
"I thought that God had completed blessing me when he gave me my perfect little boy, but it was soon obvious that real fulfillment ended with you"
Because now, I have my baby boy, and his daddy.

Yes, he officially asked me tonight. On the phone, but still, it was asked.

Good luck to me. Now, just to pray *it* doesn't happen again.

xoxo.

I love Heather. Have I mentioned that lately?
I fucking love my Heather =)


xoxo. ashleyy


*wink*

New Start

...to an old life.

Chris and I broke up, and Aaron and I are back together. Not "offocially" yet, but we are. I never got over him, it hurt every single day. I didn't dare tell people how I felt, because, I couldn't. But I couldn't stand not to be his. I thought Chris would help me get over him, but it didn't work. So, now, we're trying it again. I pray to God he doesn't hurt me again.

We hung out on Saturday night. One massive sing that this was the right thing to do was when he quoted our song.
"I'm sorry" (him)
"It's too late" (me)
"I know, it's too late to apologize" (him)

Apologize (One Republic) was our song. He quoted it, without even noticing it.


It's believed that either your first love, or your third love is *the one*. I was his first love, and he was my third love. I went swimming at his house, 2 times now. Wyatt remembered his parents, and he still calls Aaron "daddy"... I believe I'm doing the right thing. I know I am. He's the one I see in my future. I just wish we wouldn't of lost these past 2 months. They killed. More and more each and every day.

Bonjourno =)

Long time no entry... catch up time?

Alberta fell through, oh well!

Chris asked me out... officially. 06.18.08
But I'm terrified. He used Jenn and Lisa for a POA, and I'm scared that's he's just using me for a POA. I really hope I'm not. He has this odd quality that allows girls to fall for him by simply just by looking at them.

He said something to me the other day that kind of reassured me, but, it's also along the same lines as what Aaron said to me... *sigh* I don't know anymore. I want to hope he's telling the truth and is serious about us, but who knows.

When I ask him how he feels about me,
"There's too many words to describe it - I'm happy now, because I don't have to try and try, I don't have to worry about you - I can relate to you easier because you always know what it's like, and what I'm going through - we go through a lot of the same things. Do you really think I would WANT Wyatt to call me daddy if I was just going to walk out in 3 months? Think again! I'm in this for the long haul, not the fucking short haul - you'll be getting rid of me, I will not be getting rid of you"

But again, who knows.

Latly, I've been noticing how I'm second to Stephen. I hate that! I was always second to someone else from all my other boyfriends. I don't mind being second to Taylor, but when I'm second to Taylor, Kara and Stephen... it makes me a littl depressed *cries*

Chris had to go to the hospital tonight for his knee. I was there, but I didn't want to be (hospitals freak me out), but I couldn't leave. I just... couldn't. I couldn't leave him there. I wanted to be with him. On the walk home, he held my hand, and kissed me... But didn't act much like a boyfriend, ya know? It kinda hurts. But, atleast he'll b near me in public. Not like the others.

I'm trying to convince him to let me and Wyatt sleep over there one night. We could put Wyatt to bed, then we could go skinny dipping (LOL), but he wants Stephen and Monica to be there (UGGG!) Why can't it EVER be just the 2 of us?!

I love the song Heartbreaker, and hav recently noticed how much it applies to Chris and I.

I keep thinking 'bout that little sparkle in your eye
Is it a light from the Angels, or your Devil deep inside?
What About the way you say you love me all the time?
Are you lifting me up to Heaven just to drop me down a line?

There's a ring around my finger
But will you change your mind?
And you tell me that I'm beautiful
But that could be a lie!

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride.
What if I'm falling for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie?
I won't be leaving here alive.
I won't be leaving here alive.

Temporary happiness is like waiting for the knife
I'm always watching for someone to show their darker side.
So maybe I'll sit back and just enjoy all this for now
Watch it all play out, see if you'll really stick around

There's always this one question that keeps me up at night...
Are you my greatest love or dissapointment in my life?

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride.
What if I'm falling for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie?
I won't be leaving here alive.
I might as well lay down and die.

I'm holding on with both hands and both feet.
Promis that you won't pull the rug out from under me.

Are you a heartbreaker?
Maybe you want me for the ride.
I pray to God you're not a heartbreaker.
This time around I won't survive.
'Cause if I'm falling for a heartbreaker
And everything is just a lie
I won't be leaving here alive.
I might as well lay down and die.
I won't be leaving here alive.

I'm also starting to completly LOVE the song No Air, and, of course, I think of Chris every time I listen to it. Uggg.... Supid Chris with his stupid ability to make girls fall head-over-heals for him.

Alberta?

I have an oppertunity to move to Alberta, with Chris and Stephen. I'm ready to leave the house... But I don't know if I'm ready to move 3 Provinces over with Wyatt when he's this young... Me, Wyatt, Chris and Stephen living together... That would be crazzzy. *sigh* I'm actually thinking about it. Don't know the good or the bad until I try it... right?

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry. I've been neglecting you.
Hard week, missed my own prom. Wyatt's sick now, he has roseola. Gah.
Didn't go to the movies, awell. I like a guy 2 years younger and a guy 3 years younger, and my ex boyrfriend - 6 years older - wants to get back together. Gahx2.
School is over in 3 (4 including exams) weeks... WOW! Then summer time... yahoo?
I'm tired, but I refuse to sleep when Wyatt is this sick... *yawn* I've actually passed out a couple times tonight while I was downloading kits... oopsie haha.

Movies? Possibly, possibly not

Tonight I asked Jeremy (Dorey) if he wanted to go to the movies with me on the weekend. He said he'd think about it (going to be a no)... Then he asked me who this other guy was that I like... and I told him. It's him. I think I scared him. I let him know that I actually DO want to go to the movies as JUST friends, and that I don't want us to be weird around each other... But, I think I scared him and he will be weird.
I'm already regreting that I told him. Bah-hum-bug!!!!!

Gah!

Aaron has been very vocal about the fact that he no longer cares (at all) about myself or Wyatt.

On Thursday I brought Wyatt to school. Aaron told Charlotte that he knows the only reason I brought Wyatt in was to piss him off. If he doesn't care AT ALL about myself or Wyatt, why would me bringing Wyatt in piss him off?

On Friday at lunch, Aaron, Jeremy, and 2 others went out for lunch. Aaron, being the showoff that he is, almost got into a few accidents. Jeremytoldme about it on the bus. I came home and I cried. All I could do was think about the "what if's"... I cried and cried. I don't want to lose Jeremy. And I think, that made me realize how much I like him.

Tomorrow (Monday) Alyssa and Aaron are going somewhere at lunch. I FUCKING HATE THAT! I hate the fact that he's taking my friends away from me. I hate the fact that he doesn't want me to be friends with Jeremy, then he turns around and decides to be friends with Alyssa... she was MINE first =(

Gah. I like Jeremy, and I want to be his girlfriend. And, I think I should tell him.

Karma...

is a bitch. I've met her.









Will write later... lots to talk about... Need erm... meh, need something.

Why?

Tonight on the bus, I was having really bad cramps, soI was cuddled over, like, clenching my tummy. Jeremy put his arms around me, he rubbed my back, and he kissed my forehead.
Why does he do things that make me like him even more?

Saturday Morning Thoughts...

Both Charlotte and Alyssa thinks that Jeremy likes me. Alyssa is going to find out for me on Tuesday so I know if something might possibly happen, or if it's just shameless flirting. Alyssa thinks that he does like me, but thinks (he thinks) it would be weird because he's friend's with Aaron. I don't care - he can br friends with who ever he wants to be friends with, that doesn't mean I have to be friends with them.
It has really started to hit me that the last time I was out was in February 2006. Not meaning drinking/drugs kind of out, just meaning... out. I would kill to go to the movies. I was thinking about asking Jeremy to go to Liquid with me this weekend, but Alyssa doesn't have any room left in the veichel... so I'm screwed. I would love to go to the movies with him though.
I like him.
My adorable son stepped on my laptop... now I have some dead pixels on the monitor. Geeze!
Today, I was acting single. I mean, I've always acted single when I was around Jeremy, but I finally acted like it around others. I was flirting with 2 guys in my 4th period and they were flirting back. One even called me cute. I'm not interested in them, but it's fin to be able to flirt again without worring about your boyfriend flipping out on you.
Lately it's been really hitting me about Wyatt. I mean, I love him, I always have. But it's been hitting me about how much I do love him. I don't know what my life would be like without him, but him being in my life, makes me life worth living. He is the only reason my heart keeps beating. What would I do without him?

Gah! I hate writing multiple topic entries, because I can never think of a title... Unless I combine all the topics to make the title... But I don't like doing that... haha

Walking Zombie, Chubbers, GO AWAY!!!

I feel like a damn walking zombie. I'm living off of 5 hours of sleep within the past 2 days. Last night I got 3 hours, and the night before I got 2 hours of sleep! And, I think I'm comming down with something, because I feel like shit. Wyatt's sick too, and so is Ashton.

On other news, I made Jeremy pop another chubber on the bus, haha!

And Aaron now told his brother that my friends are "attacking" him. Blech. I'm sooooo over with him. I wish he would fall off the face of the earth. Seriously.

Why?

Why do I do this to myself? Why do I let myself like a guy that it'll never happen with? Why do I let myself like a guy who'll never like me back?

First Time...

You know when you're looking at someone... and that person is all you see. You don't see the other people around, you don't see what's behind that person, you don't see what's beside that person, you only see that person?

I had that today... for the first time.

We were sitting on the bus together, and I was just staring at him the entire time, playing with his hair. Just sitting with him on a school bus makes me happy. Then, he got off, and (the other) Jeremy simply says "You still want him!?" Yes, yesssss!

Why do I want him?! Why do I like him?!
But I do... I do like him. I do want him... to be my boyfriend. Plus, he wouldn't rush anything - which is exactly what I'm looking for right now. I want relationship, but I don't want to have sex or say that stupid "L" word for a while. A long while.

My 2nd Mother's Day

...we good. Great even.
Martin came downstairs to ask me what I took in my coffee at like 7:30am. By 8-ish, he brought me a coffee and 2 scratch tickets. I had to get up at 8:30 - so that coffee realllly helped! Then, Wyatt and I got ready to go to WalMart to get our pictures done. It didn't go as well as I had hoped, but I did get some good shots. Two shots of both of us, three of him alone, and one of me... since I needed 7 frames, but he was DONE! The pictures will be in on... June 3rd, I believe. Then, we came home, ate lunch, and had a nap. We got up around 4, and got a call from Paula saying that she was leaving. So, just a little after 5, Paula and Aleyah show up. Aleyah and Wyatt played for a little while, and Paula and I exchanged Mother's Day gifts. They left, I took a shower, then Wyatt went to bed, and I stayed on here.

I feel soooo cheap about the gifts though! I bought Paula a charm that says "MOM" with the "O" in the shape of a heart with a diamond. That was $20. And Cubic Zarconia Square Stud Pink earrings, which were $10. A little candle. $3. But, she bought me 4 things that seem more expensive than those 3 things... know what I mean? She bought me black flipflops with skulls, a cellphone case with a dangling pink skull, a double keychain, and a necklace/lip gloss set. I really hope my mom and I go somewhere tomorrow - just so I can wear my flipflops up town! haha!

Here are two pictures of Wyatt & Aleyah. They're going to make fucking adorable babies one day!









And... I don't think I mentioned that Aaron started MORE shit yesterday. I guess I'm dating Jeremy, and I'm scum for it since he's 2 years younger. And, that I cheated on Aaron with Jeremy (obviously when we were together). And that if I don't stop talking to Jeremy, Aaron is going to make my life a living hell, because he's not going to let me "ruin his best friend's life". UGG! Just what I need - to lose friends because of a fucking retarded breakup! I was upstairs eating lunch, came downstairs and saw 4 messages from Aaron on my laptop, since I was signed in to MSN. UGGGGGG! So, I called his brother about it because I'm sooo fucking sick and tired of it! I can't even put up with him anymore! Shouldn't I be the one trying to ruin his life!? He dumped me for another girl... GAHHHH!!! I sooo want to drop out of my 4th period class, just because Aaron's in that class. Which is stupid because I have a GREAT mark, and I have the class again next year, just a higher - more advance level.

*&^^$&#^&$^)$*)^&$(*^$

That's all I have to say to him. It's so bad, I don't even know how to spell it!!! GAH!



Ok... I'm all better. I'm glad that shit happened on Saturday so it didn't ruin my Mother's Day. Ohh, Wyatt didn't see Lloyd on Saturday, which was fine with me =)

i.like.him

Honestly.





Seriously.





I do.






I like Jeremy.

A Song...

...dedicated to Aaron...

FURB (by Frankee)


See I don't know why you cryin' like a bitch
Talkin' shit like a snitch
**oh why you write a song 'bout me**
If you really didn't care
You wouldn't wanna share
Tellin' everybody just how you feel

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what yo, fuck you right back

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what yo, fuck you right back

You thought you, you could really make me moan
I had better sex all alone (ha ha ha ha)
I had to turn to your friend
Now you want me to come back
You must be smokin' crack
Im goin' else where and thats a fact

Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud
Fuck it, I faked it, aren't you proud
Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back
Well guess what yo, your sex was wack

Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud
Fuck it, I faked it, aren't you proud
Fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back
Well guess what yo, your sex was wack

You questioned did I care
Maybe I would have
If you woulda gone down there
Now it's over
But I do admit I'm glad
I didn't catch your crabs
**I can't sweat that**
Cos I got to go

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow
Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out
Fuck all the cryin' it didn't mean jack
Well guess what yo, fuck you right back.






Sigh... I feel better.

Guys = Idiots!

Lets start from the begining...

I email him saying I thought we were going to be friends, he says I'm the one not talking to him... blah blah blah.

Then, he turns around and says that I'm making Charlotte be a bitch to him. Last time I checked, Charlotte hated him from the begining.
And, I'm telling Jeremy not to get a ride home from him. Well, sorry! You hang out with him in the morning AND lunch, so of course I want to hang out with him on the fucking 5 minute bus ride! Geeze. So, apparently, I want Jeremy's dick... Which I do, but that's besides the point.

He also told me that he saw me go down on Jeremy on the bus. Yea, because I'm such a fucking slut. And, after I "finished", Jeremy slapped me. I hope he realizes that people will not think "haha, Ashley got slapped by Jeremy" they're going to think "WTF! Jeremy slapped a girl?!" So... he's ruining Jer's life too.

And... did you know that I abused Aaron?! I didn't know I did. That lie is enough to get Wyatt taken away from me. I will SERIOUSLY hurt him if he gets my baby taken away from me. Fucking loser!

In the email, he mentioned how I'm "fucking with him" and because of that, he's going to "make my life a living hell" Fucking great. Well, it's working.

One more thing... When we were together, I was begggging him to bring me to prom. Since I'm not graduating, I have to go with someone that is, and since Aaron is, I thought we could go. We were boyfriend and girlfriend afterall. But he said no because he doesn't want to go. Well, guess who's going?! Yup, he's going. With her. AND HE ASKED HER! So... obviously he was too ashamed of me to bring me. It hurts to find out that your boyfriend was that ashamed of you.

It hurts even more to find out he's actually trying to make your life a living hell.

HER***

Aaron brought HER to bowling tonight. I realllly hope Jeremy doesn't like her... as a friend. I lost Aaron to her, I don't want to lose Jeremy to her either. Is it selfish of me to not want him to even be friends with her? I don't want him to be friends with the reason that Aaron and I broke up.
I like Jeremy... more now. It's sad. I really do like him. But, it'll never happen. So, that's ok... I guess. We can be flirty friends, haha.

"Post Breakup Partum Disease" Part 2

Definitely.

So, I have caught a little school girl crush. A guy in my Religion class. He doesn't even know my name, or the simple fact that I exist.

Also, I have caught a "real" crush? On Jeremy... joyyyy! Geeze, the poor kid is 2 years younger than me. But he's such a sweetie. He jokingly treated me better than Aaron and Lloyd did... put together.

Also... I've been asked out twice. By Ryan (the ex) and by this fag in my first class. I DO NOT want to date Kevin (1st class) and he won't take the hint! WTF! I don't want to date Ryan either. He's slept around too much, and he's such a cheater! I can't do that to myself again.

The sad this is that I want to date Jeremy. But, I can't do that to him. He's still friend's with Aaron... I don't want Aaron hating him because of me. Also, he's only 16... I don't think he wants to be a "part-time parent" at only 16.

"Post Breakup Partum Disease"

Haha, thanks to Emily, PBPD is the official name for when you notice the guys in your class that you never noticed before.
Being on a Religion Retreat, having to sit in the same room all day long, with the same group of people all day long... It makes you notice people.
He has blue eyes, and looks... looks... like he'd be good in bed. LOL! Seriously though. He's super cute. And it's just a little crush, because he doesn't even know my name... and who dates the teenage mommy? NO ONE! Except for Aaron... But I think he didn't realize that being a "parent" wasn't all fun and games. But yea... No sane teenage guy would date a teenage mom. So.. I'll be single for a whlie, which I'm fine with. I'll just stay with the crushing and the day-dreaming about them in bed =) LOL!

Gah! He's a loser!

Ok... Even though I said I wouldn't... I'm going to. I can't (don't want to) keep any damn secrets for that mother fucker.

Saturday afternoon he tells me to call him at night, so we can have phone sex. I'm calling & calling, he's not answering. I'm on MSN talking & crying to Heather and Emily about him not answering. Turns out, she was there on Saturday night. The night he told me to call him, they're making out and he's asking her out.

Soo... they officially started dating Saturday, May 3rd, 2008. Remember that date.

Sunday night, Aaron and I are talking on MSN. He asks me to send him naked pictures of myself. Then, he tells me to call him as soon as my mom gets off the phone so we can have phone sex. Then, he tells me... "I get the car tomorrow, want to go to my house for 'lunch'?" (tomorrow meaning Monday & 'lunch' means sex... obviously). Then, when I call him, he decides to tell me they're dating! HAHAHAH!

Smooth buddy! Not even 24hrs of dating and you're already fucking up the relationship. Then, he has the balls to say to me... "Don't screw this up for me. If you truely love me, you'll let me have this" LMFAO!

I hope she breaks his heart, like he broke mine...
And when she breaks his heart, like he broke mine... I will not be there to pick up the pieces.

He's a mother fucking loser and a half. I'm glad I'm done.

Other Blogs

Charlotte's Blog

DigiScrap Gallery

Answer Me This...

How can someone plan a life with you... and then change in one weekend?
How can someone plan on marrying you, and moving in with you, plan kids with you... Plan a LIFE with you, and just... change... in one weekend?



How can someone tell you he loves you... then forget about you once he sees her...

It's Over.

Officially.
He's dating some new mother fucking slut.

Aaron and I...

...almost broke up. I don't *honestly* know how it came about.
He was at COR all weekend, and (more or less) developed an emotional crush on his partner. But, we're trying it again. And he's not answering his phone now, which normally wouldn't bother me, but with what just happened, how can it not bother me?! *sigh* *sigh* *sigh*
That's all I've done today, sigh and cry.
With all that I cried yesterday and today, I'm suprised I still have fluids left in my body.
*sigh* I realllllly hopes he picks up his phone, because I can't deal with it again tonight.

Everything's Hitting Me

Everything's been hitting me these past couple of days. In less than 6 months (a couple days over 5 months actually) Aaron and I will be TTC. In less than a year, I'll be graduated AND we'll be moving up to Windsor. It's super hard to just... grasp it all and wrap your mind around all of it. I'm excited as hell... not too... scared, but with everything hitting me AT ONCE, it's over-whelming.
In October Aaron and I will be TTC a baby girl. He wants a little girl more than anything in this entire world. Me, not so much. I was boys. But, from him talking about it so much, I'm starting to catch his fever a little bit. All I keep thinking about is PINK PINK PINK! YAHOO! We even have our names picked, and they're pretty much set in stone. We have 2 boy names (our favourite, and a second, incase we end up with 3 boys - I'm including Wyatt people!!) and we also have one girl name. I'm realllly hoping we don't have more than 1 girl, I don't think I could handle more than 1 teenage daughter... Actually, I don't think I can handle ONE teenage daughter. Also, I hate picking out girl names, boy names are sooo much better!
I've been thinking lately, how fricken TERRRRRRIFED I am to TTC. Trying to conceive leads to pregnancy which leads to labour and delivery. EEP! I've already pushed out one kid, do I really have to push out another? Next time, I really want to get the damn epidural, then I think I'll be fine.
I don't think Aaron knows how excited I actually am for this. He knows, but does he truly KNOW?! *sigh* I hope he does.

Stupid Graduation

Up until this point, I have no cared about the fact that I do not get to have a formal graduation. Suddednly, it's hitting me that I will not be able to walk across the stage, accept my diploma, and actually celebrate the fact that I finished highschool. And my only way to go to prom is if I go with Aaron... and he doesn't want to go. I'm more upset about the fact that I do not get a graduation ceremony. I've been able to finish highschool after having a baby in grade 11, I should be able to celebrate the fact that I managed to graduate while taking care of my child.
I really, really want to buy myself some summer clothes, and Wyatt some too. I took him outside last night and he played on a tricycle. He's growing up too darn fast :( I also want to buy myself some black & blue flipflops or Crocs, and Wyatt some summer shoes. I don't know if I want to buy him sandles or those breathing shoes... the ones with the holes everywhere... or if I wanna go searching for some Baby Crocs.
I have started DigiScrapping, and have now set up a blog for my layouts. Somewhat like a gallery I guess. I want to try and keep it in order, the first pages in the book at the bottom / the last pages of the book at the top... but I'm constantly making more and more pages to get added itno the middle of the book.

I love My Boyfriend

He got me the LAPTOP!! AHHH! He is definatly the best =)
And I'm tired... so this is short =)

Please Don't Come...

I am actually starting to hate what's comming up.

Birthdays... they're supposed to be a fun, joyous time... I wish mine wouldn't come this year.

On March 20th, (5 days before my birthday) I have a Settlement Meeting with Lloyd. Sadly, no matter how much it upsets me, he gets visitations. I don't understand why. He's never done anything for Wyatt. Also, for every birthday since I can remember, I've been disapointed. Aaron is claiming that he is going to get a LapTop... I wish he wouldn't say that. It just gets my hopes up, then I have a higher place I have to fall from when I get nothing.

I'm tryingto save up $250 so I can buy myself a new iPod. Mine is offically junk. It dies after you turn it off, even when it has full battery. So I can listen to 7 songs in the morning on the bus, get to school, turn it off, and it's dead as soon as I turn it off. It's retarded.

Tomorrow I have a meeting with my Lawyer to start getting me prepaired for the Settlement Meeting. The only good thing about this... the visitations get to be at my Uncle's house, so atleast someone who DOES know how to look after a child will be there.

Meh.

I have to learn how to blog things out of my system... =/

Completly Heartbreaking

Well... I got a call from my lawyer yesterday asking me a date for a Setelment Case... so we can settle the Visitation Rights. Now, it is very clear that Lloyd actually gets so see Wyatt... I'm not ready for that. He doesn't deserve to see him. I have been the one doing (and buying) everything damn thing!! It really does break my heart. The Visitations are going to be at my Aunt's house... and Lloyd is probably going to try and get it so they're every damn night. My Aunt has 6 kids (3 of her own & 3 foster), she ha a life. I go to school, I have homework... he does nothing.

First Entry

My first entry, hopefully I'll actually write often in here... Lord knows I'm not good with Diary-type things. Finals are comming up - Studying is hard with a toddler.
Today after school I'm going to the Funeral Showing for Aaron's Uncle, I'm very nervous. The first time I'm meeting most of his family & it's at his Uncle's funeral... Ugg.
Susan comes tonight, hopefully she won't be mad when I tell her it has to be a quick visit - I think she'll understand.
School has been boring lately - ISU time + mine keeps getting screwed up. UGG! *only one year left*